38+ weeks

I’m at the 38 week point, as of this past Tuesday. I am at the top of the beanstalk. I can do no more ascending. I have gained 40 lbs. I am a monstrosity.

AND I AM 4 DAYS AWAY FROM MEETING MY LITTLE LADY.

At 38 weeks, Baby Center and What To Expect Web sites are no longer explaining the sci-fi-esque fetal development processes, but instead telling me to CUT YOUR HAIR! LOAD YOUR FREEZER! DO IT NOW OR IT’LL NEVER GET DONE! YOU WONT EVEN BE ABLE TO TAKE A 3-MINUTE SHOWER!

Which is not true. My baby will be born with full knowledge of how to use the toilet and mix a great mojito, right? I swear I read that somewhere...

Symptoms of week 38:

• Getting in and out of a chair require significant effort and grunting.


• Insane dreams linger all day.


• Must pee every 7 ½ minutes.


• I get so TIRED. Sleep is lovely.
• The urge to organize has taken over… cleaning out the refrigerator is like porn. This weekend will be the ultimate pre-baby cleaning indulgence.

But mainly, an extreme and surreal excitement has taken over our apartment. I find myself spending time in her room just ogling at her teeny tiny things. And she knows she’s coming soon, too. Baby F is announcing her imminent arrival by waving at me with her feet through my skin. She’s even so bold as to wave at people around me, making for a huge distraction during meetings. Try to be taken seriously when your stomach looks like imprints in wet cement... It’s obvious when no one makes eye contact and instead of saying what should have been something like “marketing campaign” someone yells CHRIST ALMIGHTY, ALIEN FOOT.

So yes, I’m working right up until the end... Today is my last day in the office. Monday I have a doctor appointment and will be spending the rest of the day staring at the wall, twitching in anticipation of the big day.