The Leopold Maneuver

I don’t know who you are Leopold, but I know you are evil.

Monday I had my regular weekly check-in with the doctor, my second to last before C-day. I alternate visits with my doctor and nurse, both of whom I trust and enjoy seeing and have gotten to know pretty well throughout the pregnancy. However this time I was surprised with a new midwife to the practice... Let’s call her Doogie. It was most certainly her first day going solo and she was all “ums”, and bumbly and using indefinite language so as not to commit to any information, which is OK I guess, she was transitioning… (See how nice I’m being? LIES, I couldn’t have been more annoyed at the situation) but that’s not the point.

The point is that this woman exercises the Leopold Maneuver! [Lightning!]

My check-ins typically go like this: I arrive, pee in a cup, weigh in, check blood pressure, reply that I have not experienced any warning signs, check baby heartbeat, doc feels my stomach to see if she’s still breech and brings in the sonogram machine to confirm, miscellaneous chatting, I go eat a burger.

This one was pretty much the same, but instead of moderate feeling to see if the baby is breech and confirming with the sonogram machine, this midwife grabbed my baby’s bum and put her in a headlock THROUGH MY SKIN and squeezed. My knees shot up in pain, to which she replied “Sorry, I just need to make sure what I’m holding is a butt.” No easy no-risk sonogram and no regard for the mother – picture thinking my stomach was the consistency of play-dough and trying to stick your fingers THROUGH my stomach and uterus. THIS is the Leopold maneuver, [Lightning! Chaos!] which can only be performed by those with an EVIL CORE AND FINGERS LIKE A VAMPIRE.

When I left, the vampire fingers maneuver left me nauseated and with intense cramping for the next 12 hours or so, continuing into the next morning. I called my nurse to see if this was normal, and she gave me some additional signs to watch for and told me to call back if it doesn’t go away in before nighttime, but I say NOT NORMAL.

Anyone named Leopold, please stay away for your own safety. My baby, my uterus, and I have formed a rival gang.


sarasophia said…
OOhhh! That makes me so angry for you! Hoping the bad feelings dissipate.....

and that you are on the road to "normal" again soon.

Leopold (lightening!)
is NOT a friend.

<3 sarasophia
dmbthree said…
Eek -- I had to go and google it! Ouch... Is she a brand new midwife or new to the practice?
Nikki said…
I'm pretty sure both!!!!
aimee.s.s. said…
Wow, Doogie sucks...does she not read Wikipedia? "Actual position can only be determined by ultrasound performed by a competent technician or professional."

The 'competent' part is my favorite. I'm glad you are feeling better. And here's to hoping there are no more Doogie sightings.

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