So I’m reading this great sci-fi…

It's called What To Expect While You’re Expecting. Well, I’m reading the online version via weekly updates on myself and my baby. It’s rated R and it’s for mature audiences only who do not have weak stomachs and all of its contents are completely false.

Or so I tell myself so I can continue on this journey without mental breakdown.

“Welcome to week 15!” it says deceptively, luring me in. It starts with “you’re going to start looking pregnant now!” and “I bet you’re glad you aren’t throwing up as much!” and I’m like Yea! Yea! And settle in for the gory details, which are many…

If you read my last post, you know Thing is 3” long and completely covered with hair. See, they don’t tell you those kinds of details before you get pregnant (not like we planned) but it’s not exactly the baby I imagined at the beginning of my bump. Not only is it a little creepy anyway that there is a living being occurring inside of me thinking thoughts that are its own, but now I know that living being is Fist Monkey. (You are never to use that term. Only I can.)

Get ready for week 15 which just gets better. WTE tells me my baby is flexing its arms and legs, fingers and toes, doing calisthenics to exercise its newly formed body parts and to prepare for the real world. Aww! (forgetthemonkey, forgetthemonkey…) Then nonchalantly, as if it’s just as cute: “She's about the size of an orange this week, her ears have migrated to the sides of her head, and her eyes are moving to the front of her face.”

?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?

Doesn’t that beg an obvious question, like Where were they?? I had to look it up. Eyes moved to front of head from side of head. Ears moved to side of head FROM NECK.

Well that wipes out the fist monkey image. Rather, just attach the words “Mr. Potato Head” to the front and it’s about right. I took Anatomy & Physiology and Anatomy & Embryology in high school and they don’t teach you this stuff in school. I assume that’s intentionally for the purpose of furthering the population.

Reminds me of a picture Nat and I randomly took in Mexico, where we likely created Mr.PHFM:

simios

WTF, *ahem* I mean WTE continues with some information about my body, including how I’ll probably start getting nosebleeds and perhaps a large bump on my gums called a “pregnancy tumor” which will get rid of itself as soon as Mr. PHFM is born.

My main point is WTE is odd. I’m glad we’re back to fruit analogies on baby size, but this month they were like “Hold the orange in your hand. Feel how big your baby is. NOW EAT THE ORANGE!” Really? Is that good training? I'm sure they mean for vitamin C purposes only, but that didn't seem weird to any of those writers over there at WTE?

Anyway, more than the mind blowing physical and biological happenings that only a first time mom can fully internalize and nervously laugh and sweat about, is the emotional trip and brand new kind of excitement that comes when you realize how happy you already are for something you didn’t expect, something you didn’t know you wanted, someone you don’t yet know or feel, but realize you already love.

So let me end with this disclaimer: Thing may be ugly, but I love Thing!!

Comments

Rachel Spalton said…
You commentary about WTE is hilarious! I'm glad they are back to fruit analogies too, oranges are way better. And it's good to hear your feeling better and now that Thing is doing calisthenics it doesn't matter that you are eating for two, cause Things working out.
mic said…
omg, the ear bone's connected to the neck bone. the neck bones connected to the meat gun.
n-mukai said…
Dear lord i hope Thing doesn't pack a meat gun.

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