Half baked.
Yesterday officially brought me into my 20th week of pregnancy, meaning this bun is half baked! I took some time this morning to look back at some of my earlier posts to relive how I was feeling 8 weeks ago when I first started sharing my thoughts with you. Things have changed so much; more so in my head than you’ll ever know.
When I first found out, I was shocked and overwhelmed at this idea of a new life. I remember being in denial when Nat told me he knew the sickness I was feeling was a pregnancy. I remember taking 2 pregnancy tests, both coming out negative... only to take another one a few days later that read BETTER KISS THAT LIFE GOODBYE, SWEETHEART before I could even set it on the counter... and I remember time standing still as I sat locked in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, experiencing what happens to your face and hands during a legitimate adrenaline rush/panic attack and not knowing what to do. (Then I was interrupted by my husband knocking on the door, which I had to open and somehow arrange coherent words in order and say them out loud... I think it was a teary “It’s... Not.... Funny.....”) My life was someone else's. Everything “Nikki” about me would have to go away now. If I could have had a do-over at the time, I probably would have, well, not done.
Now halfway there, I wait for her little movements to let me know that everything is OK. I wonder about what crazy advancements we’ll have as a *family* next week, next month... and marvel at how Nat and I are so crazy about her already. And clearly, I’m not the stoic person I was 6 months ago... Now I’m a MUUUSH! How could I have wanted to wait years for the best kept secret ever? Because even though we’re only half baked, I realize you just can’t know how stirring this all feels until you’re here. I love her to smithereens. And it’s only so good because I get to share this experience with my favorite person on earth, and – [please hold during this hormone break while I sit here and sob into my hands about all the love.]
.... And we’re back.
Anyway, the first 20 weeks came and went so quickly, I’m a little scared of how quickly the next 20 weeks will go by… But I am looking forward to taking some more time to really enjoy this crazy segue into parenthood with the hubs.
When I first found out, I was shocked and overwhelmed at this idea of a new life. I remember being in denial when Nat told me he knew the sickness I was feeling was a pregnancy. I remember taking 2 pregnancy tests, both coming out negative... only to take another one a few days later that read BETTER KISS THAT LIFE GOODBYE, SWEETHEART before I could even set it on the counter... and I remember time standing still as I sat locked in the bathroom, looking at myself in the mirror, experiencing what happens to your face and hands during a legitimate adrenaline rush/panic attack and not knowing what to do. (Then I was interrupted by my husband knocking on the door, which I had to open and somehow arrange coherent words in order and say them out loud... I think it was a teary “It’s... Not.... Funny.....”) My life was someone else's. Everything “Nikki” about me would have to go away now. If I could have had a do-over at the time, I probably would have, well, not done.
Now halfway there, I wait for her little movements to let me know that everything is OK. I wonder about what crazy advancements we’ll have as a *family* next week, next month... and marvel at how Nat and I are so crazy about her already. And clearly, I’m not the stoic person I was 6 months ago... Now I’m a MUUUSH! How could I have wanted to wait years for the best kept secret ever? Because even though we’re only half baked, I realize you just can’t know how stirring this all feels until you’re here. I love her to smithereens. And it’s only so good because I get to share this experience with my favorite person on earth, and – [please hold during this hormone break while I sit here and sob into my hands about all the love.]
.... And we’re back.
Anyway, the first 20 weeks came and went so quickly, I’m a little scared of how quickly the next 20 weeks will go by… But I am looking forward to taking some more time to really enjoy this crazy segue into parenthood with the hubs.
Comments
i love how happy you guys are - yay love! yay babies!
:)