Surprise attack! (Bad surprise...)

I am at Thing's mercy. I cry uncle and Thing mocks me, says “Hey, I have something for you”, reaches behind its little back and pulls out – an extended middle finger. And sneers.

Yesterday I was maternity shopping for the first time, so excited to get clothes that fit. The bella bands are great, but only buy you so much time in your old pants. I’m a sucker for comfort these days, and the thought of non-constricting clothes makes me beam. So off to the land of 30” elastic waistbands and heinous shiny synthetic fabrics I go…

First stop: Gap Maternity. The first thing I notice in the fitting rooms: a giant belly with straps hanging by Velcro to the wall of each fitting room. Now, why is this necessary? We assume it’s so the husband can have a moment of walking in your shoes and trying on clothes 100x larger than your frame to see how that feels, so Nat puts it on and we each don muumuus and waddle around. No I’m totally kidding that would never happen, but I did fantasize for a moment…

All the pants were hideous. I’m a pants snob and this made me think you really get what you pay for in pants. Everything was ultra frumpy and gave me flat looking dumpy bum and I couldn’t bear the thought of trading in my nice pants for these schmopants. Gap really needs to get it together with their maternity pants! Why would pregnant moms want to wear super baggy pants with butt-flattening pockets that make you look 10x bigger than you are?!? Gap Maternity = anti-milf. I did find some sweaters though that are long and basic and have normal size arms (compared to the belly part), so that was a major score.

Motherhood Maternity was across the hall... All the shiny stretchy synthetic fabrics made me feel awkward. Also the larger-than-life pictures of mothers breast feeding was making me want to die. (However it occurred to me that this may be why Nat suggested we try this store…) The all-to-eager saleswoman behind the counter was the spitting image of Drew Carey. I didn’t want to be a brat, so I let her help me find some pants – I was like “only fabric like THIS please” and let her feel my leg, and back she came with some pants. Size small – maybe I love you Drew Carey lady.

So I head for the fitting room and was shocked. I love these $24 pants! Twenty-four dollars! That’s like the price of two cocktails. Ohhh, cocktails…remember those? The fabric wasn’t great but the fit was totally comfortable, totally bum-friendly – no hemming required even – and about 12 inches of super loose stretchy fabric I can pull up to my armpits if I wanted to. So I say I’ll take two!

Next thing I know I’m back on the chair gagging and wretching in the fitting room. Nat said all the color was gone out of my face and tried to get the woman to give me a plastic bag. She fights him on this one. Time stands still as I fight down the throw ups. Nat says something quietly to her and she says either “ooh” or “ew” (I couldn’t quite tell) in an egads-sort of way and comes back with a garbage can form the bathroom. The BATHROOM!? I push past her – duh – and lock the door.

20 minutes later, I emerge, make up a mess and hands shaking. Apparently the whole store heard me throwing up, because they’re all looking at me. I grab a box of Preggy Pops, hold them up and say, “If only I had my Preggy Pops, I could be vomit free!”

So that ends our shopping, nixes our dinner plans, and reminds me once again I’m not out of the weeds yet on the sickness. Every time I say I’m better, just don’t believe me. I’m never right!