Please keep your doors locked.

I have an incredible distaste for monkeys. I don’t really know how to explain it, except for that they’re dirty little hair-covered people with no morals who touch things and they don’t know what they’re touching. They eat the other thing I hate most... bugs. They have no shame.

I’m always so confused when, for example, there is some kind of fair and there’s a man with a small monkey dressed in a tiny Celtics uniform slam dunking a tiny basketball in a tiny hoop, and everyone loves it and wants to touch and take pictures with the monkey. GOD PLEASE MAN, WHY ON EARTH would you want to touch that thing.

Following the Travis debacle, I’ve become more confident in my cause. Travis is the monkey from Old Navy and Coca-Cola commercial fame who was raised like a human, had all the privelages one could want (wine from a stemmed glass, internet, filet mignon) who out of nowhere turns to his owner's friend and mauls off a large portion of her face. No exaggeration, he left her in critical condition and wouldn’t relent even after being stabbed repeatedly with a large kitchen knife. He had to be shot by the police. The motive? He didn’t like her new haircut. All I have to say: If I were in critical condition following a monkey-mauling incident, I'd pull my plug out of the wall. I cannot live a decent life knowing there is a dead monkey out there with my face under its fingernails, and alternately, the knowledge that a monkey has touched my skull.

Freaking loose cannon of an animal.

Today, I get an email from my husband entitled “Take a step closer into your worst nightmare...” with a link to this article. I’ll let you read, but the headline says it all: Study: Belligerent Chimp Proves Animals Make Plans. Two things about this frighten me. The first is that this chimp is 31-years old. I don’t know what I thought the average life span of a chimp was, but I was hoping something more like goldfish or mayfly.

And how about the statement that they “make plans”!? Doubtful that these "plans" include play dates or "No thanks, I just had breakfast. I'll eat that banana at noon." They scheme to take planet earth back for the apes and get rid of us humans out here on our high horses. God only knows what other things are on a chimp’s morbid agenda. Ughghghgh I shudder at this.

Baby F - I'm sorry I'm bringing you into this crazy world where monkeys run rampant and plan. If I teach you one thing - please, FOR PETE'S SAKE:

Comments

Suzanne said…
I guess you won't be reading Curious George to her any time soon?!
n-mukai said…
haha i'm OK with the idea of monkeys, i just don't like ACTUAL monkeys. especially if they can access me in any way. behind bars at the zoo = OK. On the loose = no way.
n-mukai said…
CHRIST ALMIGHTY

http://www.esquire.com/features/chimpanzee-attack-0409
mic said…
also, monkeys started AIDS.

but, oh i hope you love the monkees!
n-mukai said…
i used to LOVE davey jones dancing on that rainbow in daydream believer !!!

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