The Adventures Of Collapsey Mukai (and Psychosomatic Hayes!)

A few years ago, I picked up the nickname “Collapsey Mukai” from my loving husband, because all of a sudden I started fainting all the time.

Incident No. 1: Sunning on my friend’s roof deck in college, I had one malted beverage and started to feel a little dizzy. I had never fainted before so I wasn't aware that my symptoms were leading toward collapse… I gathered my things and RAN down the steep stairs, my vision going black and white and only one thought in mind: GET TO THE BOTTOM OF THE STAIRS. I heard a loud BOOM and realized it was the sound of my body tumbling to the floor. My things were scattered around the room. I ached. I peeled myself off the floor and crawled to the couch. My friend walked by and it became imperative that I conceal the fact that I just fainted down a gigantic flight of stairs, unaware if I still had teeth. Turns out I ripped something in my shoulder and was black and blue from my chin down through my neck and shoulder. I went on a cruise with my family a week later, which was also when I picked up the nickname “Captain Black Beard” due to my injuries resembling… a black beard.

Incident No. 2a-e: I got a new job within my company and went out to dinner with friends to celebrate. Immediately following dinner, I started to feel woozy. I got up to go to the bathroom and splashed water on my hands… I remember the cold water, grabbing a towel and... Backwards I fell onto the public restroom floor. When I realized what had happened, I tried to exit but was hit in the face by some college student swinging the door open, knocking me down (and out) again, cartoon-style. She woke me up to ask me what I had taken since she was a med student and could tell I was on drugs. I was looking up stone sober at this sweatpants-clad know-it-all wishing I had the strength to pants her. I passed out 3 more times while she was trying to get me out of the women’s room – until Nat got concerned and came in and scooped me up for the ambulance. My horrendous fainting sequence caused my friend Caroline also to faint. Collapsey Mukai and Psychosomatic Hayes we became.

Incident No. 3: Nat and I took our first vacation together in Turks & Caicos. We were out by the beach and the pixely black and white vision was creeping in, so I got up to get a drink. While passing by the deep end of the pool, I fainted, locked my knees, and essentially passed out standing up. I groaped my way to a chair and sat down, a miracle that I didn't fall unconscious into 6’ deep water. The chair I landed in was right next to the bar. I asked the bartender for a drink and was shooed as if I need to be cut off, while I’m mouthing WATER... FAINTING... WATERRRR... Nat found me at the exact moment I fell backwards again. While he got up to get me a drink and something sugary, a Club Med mime dressed as a giant fly started playing with my ponytail and tapping my shoulder, to which I growled NO THANK YOU. NO THANKS. NO-THANK-YOU.

Incident No. 4: Up in the bleacher seats at a Sox game, the woozies came again. I said, “I’m going to run to the bathroom”, which Nat knows 50% of the time means “I’m going to go faint alone in a dangerous place”, so he suggested I go with someone. It was early in the game and Sox were up, so I was out an escort. Who did he send with me? Psychosomatic Hayes. We were found later in a pile of soft serve near the exit of the ballpark.

Fainting is the STRANGEST THING and totally scary, but also kind of hilarious. My heart swelled yesterday when Nat pointed out my collapsey kin here.

Then I laughed so hard I collapsed.


Caroline said…
Oh Man, the bet part of incident #2 was me waking up in an ambulance and I WAS THE PATIENT!!! WHAT?! I was so confused! Also you and me in hospital beds next to eachother DYING laughing wondering how Chinese food led us both to be hooked up to IV's.... I think the quote was "wait, HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?!"
n-mukai said…
I had hit my head so many times they strapped me to a backboard and strapped my head down, so i couldn't even look at you while we were crying laughing!

Nat has an amazing tolerance for insanity.
amy said…
i'd pay big moneys for a video of that.

there'd have been 3 of us if i were there - i canNOT handle other people fainting. i hit the deck.

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